Saturday, November 26, 2016

Paleo-Orthodoxy: How To Be A World of Warcraft Christian

The fantasy role playing game World of Warcraft is filled with all sorts of amazing creatures and places. For example, one can encounter Elves, talking Pandas, Giants, and magical portals that allow spooky monsters access to the world. So why should Christianity be any different? You can have the best of both worlds and be a World of Warcraft Christian!

1. Find the Mysterious Lost Tomes- You don't have to be like those droll orthodox Christians who spend their time reading the Bible and focusing on the teachings of Jesus as if they were of absolute importance. That's boring! Instead start hunting down and reading those "lost books", like the Book of Enoch. You'll find them in that mysterious place you otherwise avoid like a dragon's lair- the dreaded Library! Sure, these lost tomes aren't canonical and aren't scripture, but it sure beats reading those tired old gospels over and over again, doesn't it? Be sure to quote their magical words to support your claims, and when those orthodox Christians rear their ugly heads demanding you use only canonical scripture be sure to call them names, such as "Spiritual Rogue", "Lover of the Beast" and other titles to de-Christianize them. This is very important, since that will alert other Word of Warcraft Christians to their non-Christian status, and thus render anything they say as heresy. After all, you have access to secret knowledge that those idiots couldn't possibly understand just using their Bible.

2. Be A Monster Hunter- The Bible tells us there is an invisible world of demons and angels, but is that really enough? No way! Not when you can chase Nephilim, Giant Hybrids, and Reptilian demons, or even claim to have found a Fairy. Don't forget these Nephilim Giants are often disguised as other humans (of course, they had to give up their height to do so, and they look exactly like real humans, sound like real humans, and do real human things like work a 9 to 5 job, eat fast food and sleep, but still that's quite sinister, isn't it?). And you can always cast your Aspersion Spell and denounce anyone who says you're delusional by labeling them a Nephilim Hybrid since no one can actually tell a Nephilim Hybrid from a real human anyway, or you could just say they're a part of the grand Horde of Satan's conspiracy. It is important that you ignore any demands for proof, sources, scientific studies, or peer reviewed research. After all, it doesn't matter that you don't have evidence for your claims, just that you can call detractors names and publicly reveal their stupidity because they didn't accept that photo of Batboy from the Weekly World News. You can always point out that evidence was provided, but your opponent-being a Nephilim Hybrid himself- simply refused to acknowledge hard evidence in order to cover up the conspiracy.

3. Discover the Ancient Portals- According to stellar World of Warcraft wizard-theologians, there are ancient sites all over the world that, when activated in the End Times, will allow all sorts of monsters to enter our world! Nephilim will rain havoc down on the inhabitants of Azeroth...err..Earth, Giant Locusts with the heads of men will jump through, and then you'll wish you had studied that Lost Tome you found!

4. Always Be Ready for the Next Adventure- You'll have the last laugh on those orthodox Christians if you constantly research World of Warcraft Christian books for all the wild adventures you can explore. Let them scoff as you move from one bizarre adventure to the next, always clamoring for the next weird tale! Their faith is in the solid rock they say, which means it doesn't go anywhere, while yours is vibrant and always moving from one adventure to the next. Much better than that silly "stability" those orthodox Christians rant about.

5. Go On Quests- It is imperative that you go on quests to fine tune your World of Warcraft Christianity lore. Attending those high counsels in far away lands with other World of Warcraft Christians is a must! There you will be amazed as the wizard-theologians of World of Warcraft Christianity spin their tales of secret plots by the black robed Jesuits to trick the inhabitants of Earth into accepting Nephilim as gods when they descend in their fiery UFO chariots, and strange stories of the Dark Lord's high priest, Petrus Romanus, who is secretly a servant of the Horde of Satan and who rules the great temple of the Horde- the ancient enemy of World of Warcraft Christianity. If you attend enough counsels (just be sure to have lots of gold coinage with you, as those World of Warcraft wizard-theologians won't reveal their secret knowledge freely, though it may be tax deductible) you will learn how to spot false Christians- those pesky orthodox types who always insist on sola scriptura and proof of your claims.They insist on "sound hermeneutics" and "exegesis" of canonical scripture, while you know that both are diseases. Your hermeneutics were painful, and meant you had to have your exegesis removed before the Nephilim found out you were weak, and thus you saved the realm from the dreaded scourge of orthodox Biblical teachings. Those orthodox Christians are a foul pestilence on the land, and serve only to remind you that you and your kind do not need mere human wisdom- you have the secrets of the Skywatch Alliance!

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